I’ve been reading a lot lately about the choice that we have to choose our own luck and happiness. How often we’ll look outside ourselves for both, but in reality, both live inside of us already.
Yes, I’m going there today.
I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve spent a lot of time blaming external factors for how I’ve felt inside. Money, jobs, relationships– anything bad that happened in any of these situations, I felt anger toward. I carried a lot of anger for a long time. The funny thing is, I didn’t even realize that I was angry.
It might come as a surprise to some people, and maybe not so much to others. But it’s true, I was, and I was bitter to boot. I also spent a lot of time crying and feeling bad that everything was happening to me. I desperately tried to control situations around me, but nothing was ever good enough and I was always focused on what was next. I was angry, bitter, and felt so out of control.
In short, I was so freaking unhappy.
It dawned on me, though, through months of reading, searching, exploring, and looking inward, that you know what?
I’m acting crazy. I’ve lost my damn mind.
And I had, for a long time, lost my damn mind. I not only hurt myself but I hurt other people in the process too. I was so busy worrying about me, me, me, that I forgot about everyone else. Then, on top of that, when things didn’t go right for me in the way that I wanted, I dumped that blame on them too.
Do you know what I’ve found, after months of soul searching? What the biggest lesson has been?
It’s not about me.
That’s it. It’s so simple. But that’s what I always made it about. How is this affecting me? How is that affecting me? How do I feel about this situation?
What I’ve learned is that if a situation sucks, it’s my fault. If someone says something to me and I’m angry, it’s my fault. Only I can make myself feel like a victim. Because it’s how I choose to perceive it. I can choose to see a crappy situation, or I can choose the best part of the situation. If someone says something to make me angry, I’ve chosen to be angry. Even if someone says something shitty to me, you know what? I don’t have to be angry at them. Because I don’t live their life, I don’t know what led them to react to me that way. I have to choose to see it another way, with compassion. Because every angry person is going through an internal shit storm, and I know that because I’ve been there for so long.
Complaining and excuses get you nowhere. A positive and giving attitude toward others is what does. Maybe it takes a while to see the fruits of your labor, but it’s always there in the end. Maybe not even externally, but it always shows up internally. That’s what matters.
Ultimately, what I’ve learned this year is to stop being a baby. Because I’m an adult who can make choices for myself, I choose what affects me. It’s not about the past, and it’s not about the future. It’s what I choose right fucking now.
I choose my own luck, and I choose my own happiness too. Every single mother fucking day, from now until forever. That’s how I choose to live. I choose to not be a victim anymore.
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If the cursing shocked you in this post– I don’t mean to offend anyone, it’s just how I honestly talk in real life. It’s a true reflection of who I am, so I’m just being real. Thanks for being cool about it.
