Have you ever heard the saying that some friendships last for a reason, season, or a lifetime? I feel like it was scrawled in many a-yearbook back in the day. But over time I’ve really come to believe that it’s true. Not just for friendships, but for relationships, too.
This might sound unconventional, but I don’t really believe in expecting relationships to last forever.
Let me clarify, I don’t believe that any of us can really comprehend what “forever” means in the context of relationships, friendships or otherwise.
The reason is, that we as people change. No matter what, we can’t help but evolve. Even if you try to surpress your emotional evolution, certainly you’re growing older physically by the minute. We change, we’re human. It’s what we do.
Unfortunately, none of us can also tell the future or how our partners or even we ourselves will change.
I honestly admire people who get married. I think it takes some serious balls because it’s a serious commitment. It’s a leap into the unknown because there is a sense of certainty inside for many that this is going to last forever. Part of me thinks that it takes a little bit of insanity to do it, just a dash. It doesn’t make it any less beautiful, and maybe in a way it makes it even more beautiful. Maybe that’s part of the appeal.
But statistically, about half of the U.S. population takes the risk and things fall apart. So for many, marriage doesn’t last forever.
The question I want to pose is, should we expect it to?
I think it’s romantic and wonderful to have ideals of a marriage that lasts until you take your last breath and your beloved slips away silently next to you just minutes afterward, ala The Notebook. But I mean, honestly, isn’t that just a tad unrealistic?
I mean, I would rather have great relationships that run their course and understand going into them that they might be a six month deal, a five year deal, or who knows, maybe even a til-death deal. But I’m more comfortable going in without expectations of forever. That’s just too much pressure, for everyone. Or maybe it’s just too much for me. I’ve never actively pursued marriage.
I want to emphasize here that I’m not saying that I don’t believe in marriage. I think that marriages can work, and they can be really great, functional partnerships. But I think that to have a long, happy one, you have to go in with a true understanding of the commitment of it all, and what you are really promising and what marriage means to you. Not to mention going in with the understanding that it can fail, that you can’t control how your partner will evolve, and that sometimes you don’t have a choice in whether or not it ends. Let’s face it, people change, people often disappoint.
People get divorced.
And it’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. I think the biggest issue with divorce is that so many people resist it. They’d rather hang out in unhappiness on some moral principle that they would never do that.
Some people cite kids, finances, etc. as a reason not to divorce. But I honestly think that while they are necessary considerations, if your marriage is slowly killing you inside, then those things and people are going to suffer anyway. At that point, you’re just making excuses and are in self-preservation mode because you are afraid of the pain, sadness, or inconvenience, that divorce will cause you.
I know, I’m being blunt. But I really believe it when I say that.
Frankly, I’ve never been married. I was, however, engaged. I know that to some people, it’s not the same. And you know what? It’s not. But the point is that both are committed relationships. Both entangle your lives in ways that seem impossible to untangle. Ending both are really freaking hard. But if being engaged taught me anything it’s that prolonging the inevitable in exchange for ideals of forever just causes more hurt in the end. It also taught me that being open to forever is a beautiful thing, but the expectation of forever will sometimes result in life whacking you over the head and then laughing at you.
It’s because of my long-term relationship that I’m also of the opinion that one major relationship doesn’t define you. That if you choose to accept it, each relationship has a lesson it in, and you are better because it happened. Maybe it didn’t last forever, but why does that matter? You can move on, grow, and maybe even meet someone new. And hey, maybe you won’t meet someone new. Maybe you’re just going to have to spend the rest of forever with your awesome self. What’s so bad about that? If you’re focused on living an awesome life and becoming a better person every day, I say there’s nothing bad about that at all.
So yes, I think that relationships last for a reason, a season, and in some cases even a lifetime. The problem really only lies in the expectation of them lasting forever.
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What do you think? Do you believe in forever? Marriage? How about divorce?
